When we were asked to be adoptive parents, we never thought things would turn out the way they did. For one, we were not considering adoption till birthmom approached us. Second, she chose and asked us. After much thought and prayer on our parts, we felt it was right and went ahead with trying to adopt the baby. I had always made sure that the birthmom was sure this is what she wanted and we were who she wanted to adopt her baby. I always told her if she had any doubt to let us know. We would have not proceeded with adoption plans unless I was convinced and sure the she was sincere of her decision. Everyone who knows me, knows I dont just jump unless i know iam going to land right.
We had always considered the birthmom in all decisions we made. I had asked (A)(birthmom) which method she wanted to go for the adoption. LDS family services or Private with a lawyer and social worker. We ended up going private after meeting many lawyers till we found the right one. We called (A) once a week to keep an open line of communication so she always knew what we were doing and to get to know each other better. Everything seemed to be going well. She never wavered from her decision. We fell in love with (A) and got close to her family. We had know them a while before the whole adoption so we felt a very open adoption with only the roles of mommy and daddy changing would be the best for the baby. We felt we were doing right by the baby because you can never have to many people to love or who love you. Although this was an option for the birth family they had a choice to opt out.
Everything was going accordingly to plan. (A) always referenced us as the parents and would call the baby the name we had chosen for her. She had also took maternity pictures with RyLee included in a few of them. We even did a 3D ultrasound. Nothing seemed out of place except for (A) father never being receptive toward us. He would use every excuse in the book of why he wasnt. For EX: he used the excuse that his family couldnt be in the picture because our families would want to be the only grandparents. And how they couldnt be the drop in grandparents with presents without the responsibility. OK so that would mean that my parents who live out of state arent real grandparents because RyLee only see's them a couple times a year with presents in tow. Ridiculous! He tried everything he could to stay close minded about the open adoption. He had even went as far as to tell his wife some mean things to control the situation so she would be torn between a marriage or her first grandchild. All the while he had never talked to his daughter to see her thoughts and feelings about everything.
He eventually did. Sadly he waited till two weeks before babies due date on Friday Dec 19 to talk to (A) and lay all the crap on the line. The only thing I know for sure is he told her he didnt want her to adopt and either (A) keeps her ,or her parents do. Iam sure it was a crap load because (A) is pretty level headed. I never got to do damage control and ease (A) thoughts and fears. I was nervous but not to worried because I thought she would come to me if she was feeling any doubt.
So two days later on Monday Dec 22 we get a call from (A) mother to say (A) had the baby and that she didnt know what she wanted to do. But on tue she was seeing a counselor and hopefully we will know more then. Didnt hear anything on tue. Then on Wednesday I got onto myspace to see who has wished us merry xmas, that is where I seen a bulletin that was a birth announcement from (A). So we figured that was her decision and she just couldnt bring herself to call and tell us she changed her mind. So xmas still nothing, so on friday my best friend called to get their email addresses because she had wrote them a letter. She sent us all out the letter at the same time. It was unlike her to be mean spirited so I was surprised to read that she ripped them a new one.
After her email we finally got news because (A) mother emailed back to say (A) hadnt made a decision yet and that Natalies email didnt help our situation. For one that announcement seemed like her answer and another they cant base a big decision like that off of someone elses emotion. Not making a decision was news to us.
Well the following thursday 10 days after baby was born we got an email from (A) mom saying she changed her mind about the adoption. We were at peace with that and YES it did hurt but at least now we had a decision. Waiting we thought was the hardest part. So later that night after visiting family at the parents house, I got on to myspace again. (Darn Myspace) And seen a photo album that (A) has posted that said "Adoption day". Looking at the pictures was enough to feel like We were sideswiped by a semi while we were kicked to the ground.
It was never about the adoption for her dad, it was that she chose us. She still adopted out but to another couple with a little girl like us. We found out from someone that (A) mother had told them (A) father had met us and and didnt approve so (A) chose another family. Thats just wrong because they have know is for a year so its not like we just met them. Her father felt she didnt think thru her decision and chose us out of convenience. But on "adoption day" they went to LDS family services looked thru profiles, chose a family and on they went. Exactly how her father thought she chose us is how she chose the adoptive couple. Come on! We write our own profiles so they knew the family from written words. At least they got to know us well during those 5 months of planning to adopt.
Her father doesnt feel bad for what he has done because he said to me one time at the beginning, dont get your hopes up because she will change her mind. Well He made sure of it! Oh and how does his prayers and discernment outweigh everyone elses? The gospel was misused because once children make adult decisions fathers dont have that stewardship to discern what is right for that child. Although they can pray for them they dont get answers to the decisions the child needs to make. She is almost 20 not living at home not a 4 year old.
All we wanted was a little heads up about another adoptive couple possibly being in the equation. Yes it still would hurt but the blow wouldnt have been so hard. Its sad we will never have the answers we need and that (A) has not had contact with us since she had the baby. All we want is the truth. That is all we have ever wanted. We are not mean people, if we were we would have taken the counsel of our lawyer and gone to court for fraud. All we want now is for (A) to be at peace with her decision and if she is we are happy for her. We hope that things are the way she wants and not anyones elses insecurities that have creeped in the decision making.
Well one day maybe she can find it in her heart to talk to us and not be afraid or ashamed to give us the answers. In the meantime the only perspective we have is our own.
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